Halloween 2019 Post-A-Day 25
Grimm Tales of Terror April Fool’s
Let’s make this an offbeat review
Editor – Dave Franchini
I know I’ve reviewed Grimm Tales of Terror before and found their particular mix of old and new school horror to pass the bar of my horror smell test. The folks over at Zenoscope did a great job with the series and the more issues I find, the more sure I am that you will like it too.
THIS issue broke me out of the “don’t review a bunch from one title” mode (with the exception of all those Cap Wolf reviews, because Cap Wolf!). I think the why of it will become pretty apparent.
It’s an anthology book with three tales to titillate us this time around, but be ready for something a bit … ODD…
"Trump Under the Bed”
Writer – Dave Franchini
Artists – Claudia Balboni, Eleonora Carlini, & Anthony Spay
Colorist – Ben Sawyer & Fran Gambos with J. C. Ruiz
Letterer– Fabio Amelia
We begin our first tale on the haunted night of November 9, 2016…a date that should be familiar to me but for the life of me I can’t remember why. This little girl is awoken by a noise from her closet. Is it a monster? We’ll see soon enough as the closet door clicks open...
…and some monster starts outright lying to her telling her she’s “WRONG!” and she’s “Fake News.” It extends a long arm across her floor and steals her nightlight by grabbing the poor girl right in the butterfly. I think you see where this is going.
The child rushes out to tell her guardian, who happens to be Gargamel. Yes, the guy from the Smurfs. And apparently he’s eaten a few. She tells him that Donald Trump stole her nightlight, to which he answers…well, read it yourself.
I am laughing various parts of my anatomy off over here, and that is only going to get worse as the girl has to endure harassment at the hands of the other urchins in the house and some various political jabs that…I mean this is like a dream you’d have after eating Taco Bell.
I’m…missing most of this metaphor, but it is so odd and out there that I can’t help but laugh at this nonsense. Feel the Bern, indeed!
Back to father-figure Gargamel we go again…
…with the same exact series of panels and ushering her back into her haunted bedroom.
Where it seems more and more like this is taken from a nightmare the author had. I mean, some of the jokes land and others fly right over my head. I’m still laughing at it, though because it is so damn ODD!
The monster is now under her bed, and it alternates between sounding like Trump to being a nasty hairy werewolf thing…Not certain about the three beds deal either.
While she covers her eyes, Yuri gets pulled in by the beast…
…and then she is rescued by this other girl who vows to take them both to Canada to escape Trump’s presidency. As if it would be so easy. As for the monster in her room…
…it’s final reveal is even stranger than you would have guessed.
I don’t get half of this one and I don’t mind saying that to you people. I did laugh out loud a couple of times though, so it gets a pass from me. A surreal, bizarro tale, for certain.
And to throw this more down the liberal rabbit hole, this is the ad on the following page.
Writer – Ralph Tedesco
Artists – Joel Ojeda, Eleonora Carlini, & Anthony Spay
Colorist – Fran Gambos with J. C. Ruiz
Letterer– Fabio Amelia
Where could we go after that opening? Well we head to a slumber party where the parents are leaving the (god, they look to be in their 20’s) girls at home alone for their marriage counselor session. The girls are all watching Hanging with the Kardashians on the tube.
As the parents jet off, Laura lets it be known that she hates the superficial male libido dominated society she’s in. She says all this while her friends totally buy into all of the shallow things that Kim and her sisters put out.
And from out of this conversation comes the story of “Booty Kimye”, an urban legend that states if you say Booty Kimye three times in a bathroom mirror with the lights off, that Kim Kardashian will show up at your house to steal your ass. That’s how she keeps hers so round and perfect.
Of course like every horror movie ever, if you hear a thing that is crazy and supernatural, you are going to throw caution to the wind and try it. Which the girls rush into the bathroom to do…
…causing the sudden appearance of Kim in the mirror! (unexpected, I know!)
I crack up at Laura saying her face is terrifying and plastic.
And after that initial appearance, nothing. The girls bed down for the night. But their sleep is interrupted as Booty Kimye appears to steal their asses! Laura makes it out the front door…
…where we find Kanye has driven Kim here so she can collect her asses. He tells Kim not to worry about Laura’s ass as it is on the thin side.
The end? Wow. The initial story was so off the rails that I’m glad it was over so quickly. This one could have used a few more pages to put some kind of period on the end of this joke. This is one of the most uneven books in the series, but it does make you chuckle. This last story will really gross yah out though.
Writer – Joe Brusha
Artists – Josh George, & Anthony Spay
Colorist – Rosario Costanzo & Fran Gambos with J. C. Ruiz
Letterer– Taylor Esposito of Ghost Glyph Studios
This one tests the limits of Crapbox sensitivity and likely audiences as well. I’m warning you going in that this is graphically sexual and does not let up. In fact that’s what makes it hilarious.
We being with a couple heading down the road in a pickup truck with a bumper sticker that reads “I Brake for Trees” (that comes into play later). The male driver appears to have picked up the blonde who was hitchhiking. That’s what conclusion we can draw from their conversation.
Notice how talk quickly turns to sex, with the woman saying how her husband is a loser who can’t keep her satisfied. This somehow sets the guy on edge, which really doesn’t blunt until she admits that his lacing the joint they are passing with PCP.
The man then sees that his wild antics turn the woman on, so he states he’s into screwing animals. To which the woman states he should turn around…
... as they had just passed a farm. At first he doesn’t think she’s serious, but then decides to turn around and head for the farm anyway. He’s been caught in his own brag and now might have to put his penis in a sheep or something.
The woman stops him and the car, again mentioning how boring her husband is in bed. She proposes something else that’s kind of freaky if he will play along…
…and then sprays mace in the poor guy’s eyes. Which for some reason he seems to be into, stating it “burns so good!”
He pulls over, blinded too badly to drive. So the woman backhands him with a shovel…
And then starts humping him in the middle of the road, stating that she’s always had a thing for Mr. Magoo. To which the guy bucks her into the bumper, bashing her head in.
And we are stopping here, because it just keeps going this way until the end. Each of them hurting the other until they end up back in the truck driving for the farm so they can have sex with an animal with the woman choking the man and they drive off the road and into a tree.
The punchline at the end of this all is that the pair ARE married, and this is what they are doing to spice up their relationship. No comment.
The book ends on this advert for a fake Van Helsing vs Zombie-Sharknado Tsunami book. At least I hope it’s fake.
I guess every once in awhile even good books can travel off the rails, Grimm’s included.