So many
things wrong with this cover, just read on…
Remember back
when comics had covers that had absolutely nothing to do with what was inside
the book? The makers of TMCN #7 do. According to this cover, Nova is on a
rampage and needs to be stopped before he destroys New York. Lid flipping may occur as you read
this story. Also the tale is called War
in Space. Nova is shown destroying the tops of whole buildings. It’s enough to
get one positively excited, until you realize New York is not in space. So a story called War in Space that takes place in New York is kind of
misleading. For the record there is no war, but some of the issue does take
place in space. Also my lid did not flip (sorry Marvel).
We find on
the first page of War in Space, that Nova is
under the mind control influence of a band of dastardly villains. Following the
rules set up by my review of issue number 4, these guys have to be either original and
crappy or stolen from another hero. Guess what? In this issue we get both. Nova
is being mind controlled by these guys:
That’s
Diamondhead, Powerhouse and their leader Condor. They are original and crappy
villains numbers one, two and three. And while we need to take a moment to deal
with each of them in turn there is one more villain in this piece: the Sphinx.
The Sphinx fits into category number 2, having been lifted from the Fantastic
Four. But on to the new guys.
First up is Condor. Condor has the power of…Anyone?
Anyone? Bueller? The power of flight. Surprising, isn’t it. That explains those
enormous wing-like things on his back. He’s also super smart. So smart that he
knows all about Nova, his space ship and the equipment on board it. So smart
that he has built the computalyzer that turns good guys into bad guys. So smart
that he can build a space ship and even a spray that lets you breath the air in
space for 15 minutes. He is even smart
enough to have a master plan – become the “Lord of Crime.”
His only obstacle is the Spinx who also wants the title. The Spinx, however, is ultra-powerful. Condor, on the other hand, only has the power of flight and the ability to play a mean game of Trivial Pursuit.
His only obstacle is the Spinx who also wants the title. The Spinx, however, is ultra-powerful. Condor, on the other hand, only has the power of flight and the ability to play a mean game of Trivial Pursuit.
I’m not
putting the Condor down or anything, but why doesn’t he just patent some of
these inventions and make a fortune. If that computalyzer can make Nova into a
rampaging villain, think of using it to stop compulsive eaters, smokers or
addicts who want to kick the habit or Donald Trump from opening his mouth.
It could be a huge money-generating enterprise (I’d pay to shut Donald up.). And
that’s just one of his inventions. I
guess I’m not really dissing him for that, but it does bring up the other hole
in his (and the Spinx’s) plans. The Marvel universe already has a Lord of
Crime. A Kingpin, if you will. No, he doesn’t show up here to smack either of
these two around.
Who else is
along for the ride with Condor? A guy named Powerhouse who wouldn’t be such a bad character if only he wasn’t
moping around all the time. Seems like Nova isn’t the only character who’s head
is getting messed with here. Powerhouse has the ability of draining a person’s
natural strength. He can sap your will to live one of two ways: 1) by touching
you or 2) by allowing you to read his emo-laden thought bubbles. My advice to
Powerhouse is this; seek counseling
To answer
Powerhouse’s final question: Yes, Condor would do anything, including enduring
a sad-sack like yourself. Up last is this bright fella – Diamondhead.
He’s like the
Thing, a strong man that is almost indestructible. Yet the difference is that
Diamondhead’s body is made out of diamonds instead of rocks. I am stunned at
the level of creativity that went into a character like Diamondhead. The fact
that he seems pretty thick and is looking to take out Condor after they succeed
should come as a surprise to no one.
If Condor is
a freak for having wings, you must be a super-freak, diamond-dude. Throughout
the rest of this book, I keep wondering: “How many carats do you think
Diamondhead’s cranium is?” Wouldn’t it be easy to just kill him and had a
gemologist cut out those annoying ear/face features. His head is bigger than
the Hope diamond. I bet he’s got a billion dollars walking around on his
shoulders. I wonder if I could have it mounted in a nice four post setting.
What an engagement ring that would make. Maybe it’s just me and because my wedding
anniversary is coming up.
The plot of
this story is convoluted. Nova’s already under the effects of Condor’s beam when we
start the issue. Nova thinks he’s a bad guy and the leader of the gang.
Diamondhead resents him, Powerhouse gets all depressed and introspective around
him, and Condor wiles Nova into doing his bidding. Condor wants weapons on
Nova’s orbiting spaceship that will allow him to conquer the Spinx. To get to
Nova’s spaceship, Condor needs one of his own. So he uses Nova to break into a
warehouse and steal them for him. They take out the warehouses guards and a
security robot, but suddenly Nova breaks free of the mind control. Powerhouse
saps his strength and Condor brainwashes him again.
A team once
more, they all hop in Condor’s ship and fly up to Nova’s.
I’m not sure about
Diamondhead’s “skin-pressing” quote, but I’m fairly sure there’s only one sun
in our solar system. Nova must have parked his craft in what we would call the
“south-forty”. Once there they are attacked by more robots which they defeat
and then by the busted up parts of the robots which they also defeat. Then Nova
remembers who he is and Condor locks him into his own space ship and sends it
off into the void.
That marks the end of the issue and perhaps the end of Nova. Now to take a tally on the 'ole Nova Villain Meter.
Nova Villain Meter:
The Condor – 3 out of 5 evil
Nighthawks
Powerhouse – 2 out of 5 emo Bishops
Diamondhead – 1 out of 5 overpriced Things
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