Christmas
2017
The
Last Christmas #1
Pretty
much that WHAM! Song in comic book form
"Twas the Fight
Before Christmas”
Writer – Gerry Duggan
and Brian Posehn
Penciler – Rick Remender
Inker – Hilary Barta
Letterer – Ed Dukeshire
Colors – Michelle Madsen
Background Assistant –
Chris Carman
May 2006
There
are covers that beg to jump into the Crapbox, and Geof Darrow’s cover to The
Last Christmas is one of those. Yes, this looks like that movie spoof “The Night the Reindeer Died" from Scrooged. And in a way…it sort of is.
Only
with less Lee Majors.
And less humor.
Our
first page looks like what one of those Rankin-Bass animated specials would
come out if you put Ralph Bakshi in charge of the production, and I’m not
saying this snowman looks a bit boozy…but, yeah, he does.
And
when he breaks into song…
…
we get the vibe I had hoped for the book. Something that said: take none of this stuff seriously,
folks. It is going for over-the-top action parody in a good way. Or at least it starts out like that. Gary leads us
through the utter destruction of civilization…
…and
possibly humankind’s as well. Seems our nuclear strategy made us more than just
prey for the more violent, criminal elements in society, but also created a
race of mutant-zombie humans.
Of
course, the story won’t have much point if there aren’t some survivors left
somewhere…
And
apparently Saint Nick is still making toy runs to them.
Only
the toy’s uses might be slightly…modified.
All
this is just backdrop though, as Santa’s little jaunts aren’t our real story.
Oh, no. The story takes a much darker turn. Gary turns back to Santa’s workshop
only to receive some startling news.
Terrible
indeed! Appears the marauders have shown up to sack the place. Maybe make that
past tense, as in they HAVE sacked the place.
Some
have even paid the ultimate price for protecting Santa’s workshop. (which, when
you think about death vs being forced to make toys every day for the rest of
eternity, may be a kind of blessing).
Everywhere
Santa turns lay the injured and dying. This is all supposed to fill the
audience with a need for revenge on Santa’s behalf, but to be honest, it doesn’t
get me there.
Not
even this next bit.
Where
we find Mrs. Claus has been shot in the head. Just like Santa himself will be.
…in
the next second. And we don’t get to see the perp’s face, which is either a
reveal they are saving for a later issue or they are setting this up to be a
faceless crime committed by an unkind world. I’m going with the latter as that
allows the audience can feel any acts of violence Santa chooses to perform to
avenge it will have complete and utter justification.
Speaking
of acts of violence, it isn’t quite over just yet. On the way out, our
square-jawed marauder decides to take out an elf.
But
he has to settle for doing in the top name in Santa’s reindeer order instead.
Okay,
by this time I’ve had enough of this bleak part of the storyline. I need
something funny or happy or angry. I need Santa to burst out of that cottage,
alive and full of fire. Instead we get…more Debbie downer stuff. Santa awakes
stuffed into Dasher’s carcass for…what reason again? Oh, yeah – the lame joke
that one of the elves saw it in a movie once. I think that is some kind of
slight on Empire Strikes Back.
The
worst part of all of this is that Santa has just given up. The destruction of
humanity and now the loss of friends and his spouse have broken his will to
live. See how this isn’t where you want this book to go?
Santa
then proclaims this was THE LAST CHRISTMAS! (emphasis is the book’s) and then
goes back into his cottage. And he hides out there for months to come naked, drinking
rum, and eating the pancakes the elves bring him. While bathing in the maple
syrup, apparently.
Not
sure what is making me root for a crazy and sticky hobo at this point, but the
elves at least have the right idea of where the story needs to head…
…but
instead, Santa decides to give up completely. And if you thought that’s what he
had done already…
…
it will only take a brief sleigh-ride …
…to
show that a suicidal Santa really is the basement you didn’t think was there.
I
have to agree with the elf here. But try as he might, what Santa soon discovers
is that no amount of killing himself will actually cause his death.
After
going this far along, it appears this bit of the story is on its last foot of
rope.
Or
final string of holiday lights. Whichever.
I
admit to having high hopes for this one. One way or the other, I looked to be
entertained. I could have taken Santa Claus vs the Martians inept goofiness. I would
have rejoiced at Die Hard-levels of Christmas vengeance.
But
depressing and unfunny just don’t cut it, in my book. Sadly this high concept
of Santa-Terminator verses a world of Mad Max, punk rock mutant zombies while saving
the last vestiges of human society looks like the single present under the tree
you can’t wait to open, only to find it is nothing but ugly holiday socks two
sizes too small.
Better
luck next year.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.