In which He
Man and Skeletor give each other crabs
There’s this
Robot Chicken episode where Skeletor, Lex Luthor, Mumm-Ra and Cobra Commander
are driving into work and get stuck in traffic. Skeletor’s driving and he has
the child door locks on and control of the electric windows. The funniest part
is where he lets one rip and then commands the others to “feel the power of
Skeletor’s breakfast burrito”. That’s Skeletor for you, pure evil through and
through.
Masters of
the Universe has had many different story incarnations. They began as toys
produced by Mattel back in 1981. Each action figure came with a 4 1/2 inch
square mini comic that told of the brave wandering barbarian He-Man of Eternia
(a war-ravaged post-apocalyptic world) who was fighting the extra dimensional
warload Skeletor. Both were seeking the ancient Castle Grayskull’s power (I
swear every single one of these has a powerful fortress just to sell a playset)
and each carried one half of the Power Sword which was the key to the castle
itself. He-Man was supported by several allies and a magical being known as
‘The Goddess’. A true fan of the TV series that came later will notice subtle
differences in this tale than what they remember but the base details are the
same.
DC comics
jumped in with a four-issue comic series in 1982 after the success of the toy line was
established. Several adjustments were made to the ‘Universe’ depicted in MotU.
He-Man ceased to be a wandering warrior and instead became the secret identity
of Prince Adam, the son of Eternia’s rulers King Randor and Queen Marlena. Adam
is chosen by The Sorceress to have the power to turn into He-Man. Only she and
Man-At-Arms know of his dual identity. MotU got a premier kickoff in DC Comics
Presents #47 in which none other than Superman was transported to Eternia for a
He-Man team up.
A majority of
these changes to MotU are thought to have originated with Filmation studios,
who were in preproduction on a He-Man cartoon series. Their creation, dubbed
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, debuted in 1983. Combining some of what
had gone before, He-Man again had a magic sword yet still had the Prince Adam
secret identity and parents. It wasn’t until this version that we got the “By
the power of Grayskull…I HAVE THE POWER!” line. Additionally Filmation added
humorous elements to the story to tone down the violence from the early DC
comics. And so it was that the dreaded comic relief character Orko was added to
the cast.
I admit to
being a bit psyched about the MotU when it was first announced. ABC had just
cancelled Thundarr the Barbarian the year before, Motu looked to be a series
with similar story elements (barbarians, mutant hordes, post apocalyptic worlds
and magic swords). Boy was I in for a shock by MotU’s heavy-handed moralizing
and ‘Bat-mite’ inspired humor. The villains weren’t menacing and even Skeletor
was lame. I’m talking about a dude with a green-glowing skull for a head. You
have to work very hard at goofing up to make a skull-headed dude wielding a
sword not seem threatening. Maybe they should have added flatulence as a
character trait or feed him breakfast burritos.
Filmation’s
production of He-Man was a mixed bag of good and bad. Even though they were
expensive to make, the episodes used limited animation techniques that
Filmation is famous for. Specifically recycling scenes for common actions to
cut costs. The scriptwriters were very talented people (including J. Michael
Straczynski, Paul Dini and even one episode by D. C. Fontana), even if the
product that resulted from the scripts was so weak. Likewise the voice work was
great, especially given that all of the cast was voiced by only five people.
HMatMotU is
credited with breaking some of the boundaries of censorship because He-Man
would hit people and use his sword (I believe Thundarr did as well, a full two
years before this series hit the airwaves). Where it did break a record was
being the first ever animated series produced directly for syndication, a
tactic that caused a massive 65 episodes to be created all at once so the
series could be stripped across 13 weeks. When you think of the investment that
must have taken in a cartoon about a toy line that might fall out of favor or
be replaced by the next hot thing before even one episode hit the air, you have
to take your hat off to Mattel and Filmation for having the balls to go through
with it.
He-Man was a
success, however. It ran for two years before Mattel and Filmation decided to
diversify the product line by adding a decidedly female counterpart to He-Man.
Thus was borne She-Ra: Princess of Power, a feminine counter-part of He-Man.
Story wise, she was Adam’s twin sister Adora and her tales lasted two seasons
(1985-1986) and a total of 93 episodes. The mini comics included with the
products for He-Man and She-Ra toys followed the storyline of the new animated
series from 1983.
In 1986,
Marvel’s two-year old kid line imprint ‘Star’ comics put out a Masters of the
Universe monthly, the property having moved from DC in the intervening years.
The line as a whole was aimed at younger audiences and the MotU was no
exception. A further blending of the storylines available, MotU featured He-Man
and Skeletor but also She-Ra’s nemesis Hordak. A three way fight for Castle
Grayskull and Eternia ensued that lasted 13 issues before being axed, as were
most of the Star line. It did stick around long enough to produce a one-shot
adaptation of the 1987 live action MotU film, a movie that could kill pretty
much any company that dare put it out. What I found in the crapbox was issue
number 5 of the ill fated ongoing title.
The issue
starts off showing the crab-thing toy from the cover. It's called Monstroid and it is floating around in the
depths of the ocean surrounded by text that reads like the back of a toy box.
“He is Monstroid and he is HERE!!” Ages 3 and up, batteries required, Monstroid
is not a flying toy." After that opening we switch to Prince Adam as he
begins his day. As the heir to the throne, Prince Adam has many weighty matters
that rest upon his head. Such as…
My first
thought, if I were him, when I woke up each morning would be “How do I defeat
Skeletor and Hordack.” I’d train for hours, build alliances, send out scouting parties
and do everything possible to catch those bad boys and their assorted
accomplices. I wouldn’t rest until they were cooling their heels in a Castle
Eterina dungeon cell. Pretty silly of me. But I guess his parents and
Man-At-Arms are the ones that actually try to do something proactive.
Instead,
Prince Adam just lords it over poor Orko.
I’ve always wondered what the heck
Orko is. He’s always dressed in that hat and cloak which cover all of his face
and his body shape. All you see is a black blob with eyes, blue hands and those
odd ears that poke through his hat at angles that couldn’t possibly attach to
his head. I did some digging and was surprised what I found. Orko was actually
played by another familiar icon who found it impossible to get work since the
late 50’s-early 60’s. He adopted a disguise to hide his distinguishing and
inflammatory physical characteristics. Using this disguise, he played Orko for
many years. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Orko was actually…
…Little Black
Sambo.
But enough of my ruminations, on with the story:
It appears that
Prince Adam isn’t the only one about to give Orko an earful.
This is
Extendar, who was a normal joe until the evil Hordak got his mitts on him.
Hordak and his henchman Grizzlor replaced his poor fellows arms and legs with
extendable robot limbs. These robot limbs can stretch to many times their
length. Which really made Extendar mad and angsty. What Extendar doesn’t talk
about is the one other modification Hordak and Grizzlor made which makes him
very popular with the ladies. He’s still pissed about the arms and legs thing,
though. And he’s also mad at Orko for not fixing his cybernetic circuitry so he
can stretch out longer. I’m sure it’s just affecting his arms and legs. And it
has nothing to do with his date tonight.
Meanwhile the
evil Hordak and his minions are hiding in a cave and trying to make mental
contact with Monstroid. This was the “roll call” scene that every Marvel comic
did back in the day. If you had a group of characters together whose
names/powers might not be common knowledge, then the author would do their best
to introduce each one by having them refer to themselves or to name the last
character that spoke. While it appears clunky and unrealistic, it’s very
effective. I had no idea who any of these guys were. I do know that if that last
dude (Mantenna) were real, he’d scare the crap out of me. Who wants to see a
guy who’s eyes are popping out of his head on stalks?
So they bring
out the new character, Multi-Bot. From Modulok’s statement about “We made him
look like us…” I can only assume that the actual toy was made from the moulds
of Modulok’s action figure. This was a common practice back in the 80’s when
you could get a bit more life from a toy by changing the coloration or adding a
different weapon. It kept the product line looking fresh and new while allowing
you to cut production costs. Whatever Multi-Bot’s figure’s origins, the
summoning of Monstroid (by standing in a circle holding hands – hippies!)
succeeds! They start the monstrous robot crab beast heading toward shore.
Skeletor,
sitting around brooding about He-Man, senses the mystic energies used by the
Horde. He hurries to his scrying pool and sees Monstroid. Suddenly he is struck
by the idea of taking over the monsters mind when it reaches land. He hustles
out of Snake Mountain alone. Speaking of which, where
is Beast man and all those other Skeletor followers? None show up to help him
or even make an appearance. I figured a hip dude like Skeletor would have Snake Mountain
pimped out enough that all his old buddies would like to hang there. Instead
he’s shown completely alone. Maybe he’s had one to many breakfast burritos?
On the other
side of Eterina, Monstroid shows up on one of Extendar’s monitors. He springs
into action (get it? Springs?) and summons Prince Adam. Prince Adam sends
Exendar to the beach to stop Monstroid, stating that he do his best till they
arrive. Note that this is the same Prince Adam that everybody thinks is a cream
puff. The same one that disappears whenever trouble rears its head. Yet
Extendar obeys him without question. Maybe Hordak did something to make
Extendar stupid as well as giving him those robotic limbs. Whatever the reason
for his blind loyality, Extendar’s exit gives Prince Adam a chance for a
costume change.
Have we yet
to establish why He-Man dresses like the sixth Village Person? That outfit just
screams biker bar or ladies strip club. Maybe the villains in these books are
really just homophobic and can’t stand the metrosexual vibe He-Man extrudes.
Speaking of
which, the “I have the power” line was suppose to have originated back when the
product was being conceived. Three different sets of mock-up figures were created
with He-Man done up as a barbarian, a military man and as a futuristic
spaceman. Supposedly the chief of Mattel's toy division pointed to Roger Sweet’s barbarian
prototypes and said “those have the power”. Neat story.
Back to our
not so neat story, three different groups are fighting over possession of the
Monstroid. Of those groups, Hordak’s guys arrive first. Mantenna and the rest
of the horde are a bit shocked by the size of the beast. I’m stunned that those
eye stalks can poke out so far.
The Horde
flees in fear of the beast, all except Hordak and Multi-Bot. Hordak takes
mental control of the beast when a surprise guest arrives on the scene and
blasts him. Hordak turns to face Extendar, who appears to be nursing quite a
grudge and has a degree in Dinner Theater Acting.
I’m not sure
which is funnier: Extendar’s getup or his horrendous dialogue. Hordak sics
Multi-Bot on him and the odd looking android makes short work of him. However,
the way he “imprisons” Extendar looks unorthodox if not borderline sexually
abusive.
I’m thinking
Extendar has a good chance of bringing up Multi-Bot on charges of sexual
assault. Being humped by the dozen or so legs of Multi-Bot leaves Extendar in
no position to stop what happens next. Skeletor arrives and has Panthor (his
version of battle cat) keep Hordak busy while he attempts to take mental
control of Monstroid. At this point Monstroid is like a giant version of an RC
car. It doesn’t appear evil or destructive, just easy to manipulate and highly
susceptible to mind control. Sort of like most evangelical Christians.
Panthor is no
match for Hordak's mind magic and he soon has Skeletor in the death grip of a giant Monstroid
Claw. With impeccable timing, He-Man shows up right before Skeletor is crushed
and has a moment of confusion.
Truth is,
he’d really rather just watch some more as Multi-Bot gets it on with Extendar.
This “should I help or not” ruse may have Orko fooled, but I’m wise to the
homoerotic vibe He-Man is sending out. All this “helping” does is get He-Man
caught in claw number 2, after which Hordak commands Monstroid to walk out into
the ocean until both hero and villain are drowned. Extendar tries to come to
their rescue, but Orko still hasn’t fixed his cybernetic whatchacallits,
leaving him (and his date) a little short changed. Throwing off Multi-Bot,
Extendar strides into the ocean and to his doom.
But Orko
comes through at the last moment, taking command of Multi-Bot and having him
lift Extendar up on his shoulders. Extendar fires a direct hit on the Monstroid
which releases its prey. As they bob to the surface, all that wet erotic leather
Skeletor wears is too much for He-Man.
Kinky! Orko
has the Multi-Bot swim into Monstroid’s mouth. This gives the giant crab
indigestion and he bee-lines it out of there. Hordak is gone by the time He-Man
and Skeletor reach shore. Panthor is there to help the Skel-Man escape He-Man’s
loving embrace. And Extendar and He-Man make fun of Orko for procrastinating.
There is a disclaimer that no toys were injured in the making of the comic, so
I can only assume that Multi-Bot survives being eaten.
A 1987 live
action movie that was poorly received by both fans and critics didn’t reverse
an already downward sales spiral on the MotU product line. Dubbed a financial
disaster, future additions were cancelled and MotU disappeared for a time. It
has resurfaced twice since the late 80’s: in 1990 as “The New Adventures of He-Man”
and “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe in 2002. “New Adventures” didn’t
move the product well and featured a vastly different take on the two main
characters Skeletor and He-Man as they battle each other after being transported
to the world of Primus (no relation to the rock band. I think). It got 65
episodes. HMatMotU got an even shorter run and the toys from it only had a
shelf life of a couple of years. HMatMotU was known for retroconning a bunch of
elements from the original series, re-envisioning Adam and Teela as teenagers
and delving into the backstories of much of the MotU universe.
In my mind
there is just far too much story going into these toys already.
