Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes, Part VI: Space: Punisher #1

 

C'mon, Marvel! It's like you ain't even trying anymore

So 2012 appears to be the year that Marvel lost its damn mind. This book is called Space: Punisher, a four issue limited series that must have been someone's What If? story that someone gave growth hormones to. It is exactly what you would expect a Punisher story to be if you took random lines and added the words "in space!" to them.

Okay, it might be a tiny bit more clever than that, but not by much really. It starts with Frank Castle flying his space ship though space. Yes, it is THE Frank Castle. This is one of those alternate dimension things or mirror universes or whatevers, which Marvel has ground Punisher though. We've had future Punisher, cowboy Punisher, undead Punisher, etc. At least this one occurred way back in 2012 and hasn't been seen from since. I haven't really checked however and knowing Marvel's current marketing strategy of "make whatever sells mainstream," it might actually BE the current Marvel Comic Universe's Punisher.

Let's just get in, get out and be DONE.

We begin with Space Punisher having tracked one of the Intergalactic Mafia to the surface of a nearby planet. And yes, those are the exact terms used in the book. So he flies down to the surface in a very "Adam Strange" kind of way that kicks the book off with an epic space opera vibe. We have Mark Texeira doing the art chores, and I begrudgingly admit to more than a truckload full of love for his retro-painted take on things. It is a bit like The Punisher and a 50's sci-fi mag's pulp cover had a lovechild.

Anyhoo, Frank hacks up the local "flora" or "fauna" or whatever with his sci-fi laser sword only to discover the entire planet' surface is symbiote covered Brood. He is instantly surrounded.

Luckily, Frankie came prepared. Another Frank, Frank Tieri to be exact, is filling the word balloons and making this one up as he goes along, and gosh darn it if by the end of the next two pages if I'm not buying into this whole concept.

Sonics for the symbiotes and bullets for the Brood. So crazy and so outlandish that something like this is going to work, especially given how the Brood were completely surrounding Castle just  bit ago. Just impossible!

And I'm right. So Frank calls down "Chip", and I'm foolishly expecting his overweight buddy Microchip from the original Punisher series to send down some help…

But what I get is this: Chip the silver-plated robotic android ass-kicker whose hands turn into dual mini-guns. 

I admit at this point I gave up. I just did. I put down my air of smug superiority and jaded cynicism….and I just went with it. Yes, it is an INSANE concept. And yes, it could seem to spit in the face of all those deadly serious Punisher tales from the late 80's. Sure, it's not the way I want people to remember the character…not as some parody of the action icon. BUT it is a lot of fun, and enjoyment is the name of the game here.

So as Castle starts swinging his lightsaber like a regular Luke-Skywalker-Jedi-wannabe, Chip gets the intel on who might know their next series of targets. And as they beam back to their ship, they leave the brood a little present in the form of a bomb that destroys the nest and perhaps the entire planet.

 

(and yes, I noticed that he named his ship "Maria", Frank's wife's name in the original series)

Then they travel to a space bar to extract the info from the man mentioned in the download. Here they are walking in all bad-ass and stuff.

Guy's name is Barracuda and Frank doesn't think much of manhandling him. So Barracuda's "Rhino-like" stand in protests Frank's touching of his boss in a rough manner…

…and Frank's ship fries Rhino-horn in is boots. Or rather everything BUT his boots.

Yeah this is just fun and silly, which counterpoints how deadly serious the Punisher books were when it came to his mission of vengeance. This is just mayhem for mayhem's sake. I'm completely impressed with the execution.

And a little more impressed when I see who Frank will be going up against in the remaining four issues.

So we took down the Brood Queen, who is queued up next? Space Dr. Octopus! Space Green Goblin! Space Magneto! Space Red Skull (with mutant Nazi Hitlers!) and finally Space Ultron! Not to mention that the next issue featured Space Punisher vs Space Hulk on the cover. AND the fact that the last panel has Space Punisher ambushed by Space Sabretooth, Space Deadpool and Space The Leader...er, The Space Leader?, naw that can't be right...The Leader Space? Heck if I know. The Leader IN SPACE! There, that's good enough.

I have to say that I'm going to comb the bins to find these, because this one was kind of a hoot. It had a 70's DC space tale vibe combined with a 90's Marvel body count. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Kid's Stuff, Part XXVII: US1 #4

I'll never complain about action figure tie-ins again, given that US1 is a tie-in for a racing set

"Hot Air and Chicken Feathers"

Writer – Al Milgrom

Penciler – Frank Springer

Inker – Mike Esposito

Letters – Mike Higgins

Colors – Christie Scheele

Editor – Ralph Macchio

Editor-in-Chief – Jim Shooter

TYCO came to Marvel's offices one day with a new product they wanted help selling. TYCO was one of the most recognizable names at that time in the low-end model train business. But what they had wasn't a box of train cars.

What they had were TRUCKS.

They had EiC Jim Shooter's ear and it wasn't long before he pulled in writer/inker Al Milgrom to brainstorm some ideas. They both saw the book as a challenge. What emerged from those meetings was an ongoing series that wrapped up in 12 issues.

The series involved a truck-driving "superhero" looking for his missing brother and bedeviled by a mysterious figure shown only in shadow. His name was Ulysses Solomon Archer (or US for short) and he was joined with a quirky cast of side characters.

BlogInto Mystery has done us the honor of reviewing the first issue over HERE, so if you want direct background on how this all came about with a really decent review, I'd head there first.

Meanwhilewe can take a closer look at those TYCO toy sets through the magic of youtube. Seems those on and off loading of items wasn't exactly smooth, but doesn't appear prone to failure. It is funny how the barrels kind of fly out with a loud noise when being unloaded. BANG! BANG! Sure hope that stuff isn't volatile.

But on to the book, and this issue is a doozy. If this issue is any indication of what these stories were all like, then they were structured much like an episode of Speed Racer and having the same kind of goofy sidekicks. In fact, the Speed Racer comparison works on other levels too, as US's truck is tricked out just like the Mach 5 and Speed also had a missing brother. If US's major antagonist "The Highwayman" turns out to be his brother that creates even more parallels.

But we begin or issue with one of US's gang with the cutesy nickname of "Retread" rushing in to a barroom brawl going on in a diner. He's there to warn US of a mysterious goings on outside.

 

Note the guy striking US from behind. There is a reason he breaks his hand. US's skull had been replaced with steel and CB equipment. Yeah, I can't make that one up. Any blows to the cranium by bare knuckles are sure to result in causalities to the puncher.

 

As for what is taking place outside? It appears an evil version of the Goodyear blimp has appeared in the skies over US1's favorite hangout.

 

The driver is Baron Von Blimp, a man who speaks in a fake 1950's "Chur-man" accent filled with so much Horgan's Heroes' Corporal Shultz that the book ITSELF makes a joke about it. The entire story is told with a high degree of camp and the accent here is our first indication of the "road" we about to travel down.

 

Argh! That accent HAS to go. Ugly and lazy stereotypes like this reduce the major villain to a cardboard standup. I suppose, given the tone they are setting that this is acceptable, but it is insulting to hear in the same way Pidgeon English rubs me the wrong way.

Another thing that ruffles my feathers are characters with annoying spot-on nicknames derived from their actual name.

And speaking of feathers, there are a lot of them coming up right after US recounts his superhero origin…

…and brings us up to speed as to the last three issues and the challenges he's faces. 

 

In the end he decides he MUST race Baron Von Stereotype but that he feels his upgraded weapon loaded rig is up to the challenge.

And so we move our story on to THIS mess where the contest is to haul chickens for a thinly veiled Foghorn Leghorn. I think of Al Milgrom as a staple of Marvel comics due to his inking, but this parody of the Looney Tunes character takes things too far. EVERY line he says has to include the halting speech patterns of the cartoon rooster.

The southern speech pattern is a bit too much even by the second panel with the Chicken Colonel. Also Mary is clearly smitten with US and he is apparently gay. Jeeze guy! Kiss that girl on the lips!

So by page two of the Chicken Colonel, we are ready to scream because they have to…I say…they have to shoehorn in the Leghorn to every dialogue box he has. I'm bleeding from my ears now Milgrom. Thanks.

We get a hint of US's plan here: he attached a tracker to the Baron and will wait until after the race to activate it. Then he can track back to The Highwayman's hideout. However, he has to seem invested in the race so the Baron won't suspect.

 

The Baron however has other ideas about what US will do after the race, which appears mostly to be rest in pieces in a smoking crater. And he expresses these ideas by dropping a bunch of bombs on our hero. Which leads US to make prolonged musing about interstate highway funds and tax appropriations.

ONLY after a discussing how this turn of events affects his tax status does US access his secret trucker panel of secret trucker weapons. Which is not really much besides missiles in this issue, but maybe we will get more Mach 5 stuff in issues to come.

 

The missiles embarrass the Baron, who decides to defy The Highwayman's orders to keep US alive and to just kill him with bombs instead.

 

Oh they gave him an entire crew that speaks in sitcom-German. Oh so bad! Meanwhile Retread bails out of the sleeping compartment in US's cab like he's the combined spirit of Spritle and Chim-Chim. Retread is kind of useful, pointing out that blimps don't do well in harsh weather and getting US to plan a sneak attack using an inbound storm system.

 

Just to make sure the Baron is falling for his plan, US uses his CB radio power to check out what the Baron is telling his boss, the Highwayman. Which he just happens to be doing right at that moment.

And then the Baron leaves the channel open so US knows all his other plans. Talk about plot conveniences.

US hides in a tunnel for a bit and then hatches a brilliant plan of standing on the cab and trying to hit the Blimp with a thrown grappling hook, which succeeds of course, because screw you physics. 

 

Also screw you because he is able to scale up the rope to confront the Baron in his own floating lair.

Appears the Baron is really concerned about his Blimp insurance rates going up to be so upset that US broke one of his windows. Of course a fight ensues and it is silly and convoluted, with the Baron's girth not posing any speed hindrance. A high point comes when US uses his steel-hard head to break the Baron's sword with his skull.

 

And then the chickens get released in the ensuing chaos. Because every fight scene is better with chickens. 

It also leads to one of the worst panels in comics.

 

Note below that a bit later we also get the Hogan's Heroes joke. My point is that if you are going to state something is like a bad joke, maybe don't include it at all.

The fight ends with nothing resolved. US cuts his losses and the blimp free after deciding it might take his rig with it as the storm increases. The blimp limps off and US notes his carefully placed tracking device won't work given the blip's heading. Also he makes reference to a 1960's group, which dates the book quite a bit.

I didn't really dig this issue. There were far too many problems with the characters. It does feel a bit like a Speed Racer clone, with lots of outlandish people and plotlines. If you find this silliness up your alley, be my guest. For me, I've got other loads to haul out of the Crapbox.